Hiiii everyone, some of you may be wondering why I’ve chosen such a personal topic to talk about. Well, when I was going through this myself I was endlessly searching the internet for guidance, advice and just someone that had been or was going through the same thing. There were very few. I know women are often too scared to discuss these sorts of awful situations but that should stop. Having a miscarriage isn’t a shameful thing that we should have to keep secret. The more I’ve opened up to people about it, the more they’ve opened up to me about their experiences and the mutual understanding of that pain helps in ways I can’t even explain. You don’t feel so alone anymore.
If I needed anything during my miscarriage, I needed someone to talk to. If I can offer a little more insight or even a listening ear or some reassurance that you are most definitely not alone, even if it’s a little impact, then I have achieved what I wanted to.
It all started on March 6th 2016, I took a pregnancy test and literally danced around the whole house (that’s no joke) with complete joy. I’ve been broody since my little girl was three months old and to finally have that positive test again just made my heart feel unbelievable amounts of joy. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect. At random moments over the next few weeks I’d do my little excited wiggle whilst fist pumping the air, you know the kind because we all do it let’s be honest!
The next few weeks continued as normal, I told my colleagues at work, shared the exciting news with my family and I started to make plans for what this meant for my future. On April 8th 2016, I booked a private scan to ease my mind that the baby was okay, I hadn’t been feeling sick like I had with Esmé, even though I know every pregnancy is different, I wanted to put my mind at ease plus, I was too desperate to see my little baby to wait, I was having to wait a little longer for my NHS scan. I will never go for an early private scan ever again, it was the worst experience of. My. Life. After scanning me for about five minutes without saying a single word to me, I instantly knew there was a problem. I asked if everything was okay with no response, the sonographer just asked if I’d had any bleeding or pain. Which I hadn’t but my heart started to pound and I got this horrid heavy, sick feeling in my stomach. The sonographer went on to say that I was measuring less than I should have been, she said she couldn’t find a fetal pole, which at the time I had no idea what that was but I knew it wasn’t good. I burst into tears not really understanding what was happening but knowing something was wrong with my precious baby.
They sent me to sit in the waiting room with six other pregnant women, I tried to stop the tears from streaming but they just kept coming, everyone was staring at me. I sat and waited for 30 minutes with a million thoughts flying through my head of how I’m going to deal with this, I put my hand on to my stomach hoping that all would be okay and that my little baby was safe. They eventually sent me home expecting a report of what had happened that night. I was hoping the nightmare was over, but it was far from it.
I won’t go in to the nitty gritty details of the next few days but I will say, my midwife and the NHS staff were just incredible, so sensitive and kind and informative. They made a difficult time feel a little less overwhelming.
Every time I had a free minute or two I scoured the internet looking for positive stories, something that could give me hope that my baby was okay as I was waiting for more tests to know what was happening. Every symptom I experienced, I searched endlessly looking for answers of how it could mean that everything would be okay. I was desperate that my baby was safe. I felt like my one job was to protect them and I was failing terribly.
April 13th 2016 was probably the worst day I have ever experienced in my life. This is the day I lost my baby and the guilt filled my body like I’d never felt before. I cried more than I’ve ever cried in my whole life. My heart ached more than I’ve ever experienced before. It still does now, but it’s easing with time.
The weeks after I found out I was pregnant were stressful due to commitments I had and I couldn’t help but think that all of that stress was the reason I lost my little baby. I nit picked through my life from the past few months and was kicking myself as to why I didn’t do things differently and then maybe I would still have been protecting my baby instead of mourning their loss.
I look back at that day now and realise how silly that was. The one day in my life that I needed to be kind to myself and I was the harshest I’ve ever been.
How often are we so mean to ourselves? We wouldn’t ever take that from someone else so why allow ourselves to treat us in such a way? Maybe there were avoidable factors that played a part in the losing of my baby but would beating myself up about it make any difference? No, of course not. No one can be sure why it happens, why one in four women lose their babies. I always thought it would never happen to me and my heart went out to the women that went through it. Now it was me. One in four is not just a statistic, it’s me.
I wish I could take away the pain of every woman that has to experience losing their baby before even being able to hold them. If you’re going through this, don’t beat yourself up, don’t blame yourself. Unfortunately, this sometimes happens and we can’t stop it, I know these words don’t help because all you want is your baby. Be kind to yourself, your body and heart needs it most at this time. I’m told it’ll get easier over time and I can already feel that.
I’ll never forget my baby that I was so privileged to hold in my womb for that small amount of time, they will forever be in my heart. In honour of my precious, little baby every year, on November 8th I’ll remember my little baby and how much I love them. I’ll set off Chinese lanterns and remember that one day I’ll get to meet that precious baby and hold them as tight as I would have done on that day.
If you’re going through a similar experience and need a listening ear, just know you are not alone. I hope this helps in some way although it seems as if nothing will ease the pain, it will. You did nothing wrong, you are strong, you are brave and there is hope. The love for your baby will never end and that is something to hold on to.